10 B*llsh*t Things that Bloggers Say:

10 Bullshit things that chefs, food bloggers, “food critics” etc. say /do –The featured quotes below are all genuine:

1-    “Let the flavours mingle” / “let the flavours do their thing”

This is called marinating, where either flavour molecules diffuse into a piece of meat or where molecules interact with one another for curing etc.
 
2-    “The flavours here all worked really well”
 
All you need to do is say whether the food tasted good as a meal or did it clash? Stop the pretentious middle class filler jargon. Furthermore this statement is rarely followed up by examining what specifically “worked well” and why.
 
3-    “I could have done that at home”
 
Well let’s get the obvious out of the way - through owning a kitchen you are half way there. Yes you could make it at home. You have 90% of the gear that the chef has: an oven, some spoons, a pan or two and probably the very same chef’s recipe book!
 
4-      “The plates were cold”
 
Does anyone warm their plates up at home? No, and that is something you could definitely do at home! And then when the plates are screaming hot you give yourself third degree burns because you touched it even though the waiter / waitress told you not to.
 
5-    “Locks in the moisture”

What a load of nonsense. A well cooked piece of beef, in terms of quality of cooking not burning / ruining a piece of beef, is just that; brilliantly cooked. Not cooked so it locked in the moisture because if that was the case it would be served raw. All forms of cooking in the traditional sense of applying heat or salt etc. causes loss of water.

6-    “#foodporn”  
 
I think this hashtag is just a hipster excuse to say the word porn. Personally I do not think molten gooey cheese pouring out of a crusty, dry, flaky filo pastry parcel is sexy. Unless crusty and dry with sticky cheese is what your into.
 
7-    Eight photos of the same plate of food from different arty angles.
 
Bloggers in particular love to take pictures top down, then at 45 degrees, then at 90 degrees and then to spin the food 90 degrees around and repeat. Don’t get me wrong each photo looks good (usually) but self edit PICK ONE. No? Ok show me the 360 degrees of the plate again. 

8-    Anything cooked in a slow cooker!

Slow cookers maintain an 80 ^oC temperature which, for long slow cooking purposes, is still too hot yielding dry, over cooked meat and rank vegetables that often just get thrown in at the start. The sauce / gravy is always too thin and this needs boiling to concentrate the flavour. And finally what’s wrong with the oven?! Ovens can maintain low temps, and you don’t need to buy a new piece of work top clutter to cook.

9-     Vegan / gluten free / dairy free – fad dietary requirements
 
There is nothing more depressing than a vegan gluten free brownie, trust me I have tried one from a reputable gluten free blogger and it was vile! Don’t get me wrong there are people who have medical reasons and some people who hate the idea of eating animals, but if you’re just doing it because it’s the latest faddy thing you want to jump on the band waggon with, you’re an idiot. Just take a look at the additives put into gluten free products.
 
10-  The use of chicken breast
 
Why chicken breast? The thigh meat is far cheaper and tastier. Breast is usually dry, boring, more expensive and did I mention dry?